Lost War

You break my heart
Everytime I realize
what i'm fighting for

I'm just fighting in a Lost War.


Carrying all the injuries
Burying all the casualties
Fighting with all what's left in me
Do U want to kill some more?

I'm just fighting in a Lost War.

Getting White-Hearted

That's a thing i was thinking when i was talking to some1 i've been having -ve feelings about for the past few months.
I've had a bad year .. that last 1.. it was confusing , self destructive and just nothing seemed working. and i've changed..i admit that.

I didn't have a reason to change..except me...i've changed to something that i didn't like..which made me hate the way i was..and destroyed my self by anyway possible.

I've become dark..very dark..waiting for ppl to slip so i have a reason to hate them ...

Well, yeah

I decided...no...i actually am stopping that...being the old me...not judging by someone's 7sh..not hating to just hate..thinking..that if any1 is different doesn't mean they're wrong


I'm getting my heart whitened .. and loving it :)

1st 3 weeks in Southampton .. ya cooly coolaah

Hmmmmz
I don't know what to say
I was walking today in the rain .. holding my 4 pound umbrella up .. realizing this could be the 1st time ever for me to talk in such a heavy rain.

It's weird how time flies .. every day when i'm at the bus stop i think .. I won't be here for longer than i was.

It's been wonderful staying here..being here..working here (though i haven't really """worked""" except for the past few days lolz)

I just love this place..

It's calm..friendly..and the weather is killing amazing. (to us not to them . it's raining all the time)

I don't think i wanna be back..just not yet ... =)

My 1st 3 days .. still alive

I decided on my bumpy ride on the 22 bus from Southampton General Hospital to Saint Hant Hospital to write my diaries here ..
Well actualy i told my family that before i leave but i wanted to start the topic with bus talk =p

Gosh ! what a ride ( not the bus now). It all started the night of the 11th when we left home going to Dammam airport in which , surprisingly, was my 1st time flying from there!. More importantly, It was my 1st time flying without my parents... It was me and Rabab and the way to Southampton.

My dad , after my mom pushed him to go with us and spend the 1st week around us, was in Bahrain getting ready to fly to Southampton the time we were in the car.

Eman , my cousin , was on her way to Abu Dhabi to take a flight there sending her to Southampton.

Yeah i know , it's the amazing race ! My dad won , if anyone cares =p.

So back to the car that was driving us to the airport .. I couldn't believe it ! I'm going there for 5 weeks alone .. with my sister and cousin of course .. but alone in the hospital alone in the hostel alone alone alone ='( !!.

We said goodbye to my mom and my lil sister who cried her heart out after Rabab decided to cry when we were saying goodbye =s. kids ^o| !

We waited and waited and waited in the stupid airport of Dammam till they announced our flight and we rushed to the airplane. How cool r we flying alone !

so lets spare the boring detail of our flight and arrival .. and the rest of the day was me sleeping in the hilton ... till the other morning

My 1st day dwam .. went to the hospital .. registered .. and here we go .. totally lost .. lolz
went to my skn .. registered ... saw my room .. feiha net. .. yuppy =D

2nd day dwam (today) .. i got up at 6 15 to catch the bus going there..which i didn't know where it is exactly .. i was so not wanting to go .. coz i really felt lost the 1st day.

Went to the bus station at the hospital near by .. the bus came at 7 45 i was in the hospital by 8

went to the wing i know the team is in .. The Fantastic 4 ( i call them that they don't know)

Marchello the italiano .. speaks like robert di nero
Mary the british .. she's so sweet !! toooo much sweet that i can't deal with her =s
Dr. Angel ! the british / spanish .. he's a hardworker .. teaches me sometimes stuff
the indian .. who was nice with me today =D

so i ran with them the rounds...lost..but lil bit found .. and then mary suggested by 10 that i go to the theatre !!

I wore the scrub suit =D =D .. looked so scruby
went to the surgery .. sat behind while marchelo was supervising the indian doctor.
They wanted to cut some of the pancreas to test it. It was so damaged by chronic pancreatitis .. so they wanted to took off the part damaged.

The consultant .. Mr. Johnson came by to do the surgery .. and since i was short i was standing on something to lift me up =s ..

the doctor was so nice that he was explaining to me what was he doing.. coz all what i was seeing is cutting burning and blood everywhere =D =D ...

The anesthetic was so bored that he came to talk with me !
God those anesthetic ppl akeed zhganein all the time =s.

When they were cutting every orgen i know they found something fishy in the duedonum.
Appearantly some ectopic pancreatic tissue is grown there =o WHICH WAS AMAZING ! even for the real doctors ! so they took that part with the pancreas ( after 4 hours surgery =s =s with me standing all the time ='( )
and then Mr johnson took me to the lab .. to show it to me...and they took picture for it =D like book pictures.... i was this close to put my face in the camera hahaa =D =D


anyhow...i came back now..on that bus which was jumping all over southampton
my back is killing me .. i'm so tired.. i'll go pray and my dad will come to visit in a while

Post Stress Disorder

Why is my life so ........

1- complicated
2- stupid
3- meaningless
4- empty
5- full of stuff that i can't appreciate




I'm so ........

1- complicated
2-stupid
3- pathetic
4- empty
5- full of stuff that i can't appreciate



All I Need is ..... to make me better


1- to stop hating me
2- a bitter song
3- a night full of tears
4- a poem says what's inside
5- some1 who understands me
6- U !

Miss me When I'm Gone

U occupy all the thoughts of mine
When i mean to u none
Just remember me from time 2 time
Just miss me when i'm gone..

Messing around my blog

Should i do this the sad bloggy way? or should i just act the fun out of it.

hmmz..

It's that time of the year again .. Stupid unit exam .. this one is different 3ad for many reasons

1- It's the 1st unit that i don't read a thing mnha along the year. It's not like i was sha6ra fel units elly gbl ,, bs knt ast7i mn el ktab fei a problem or 2 and read like 2 pages..lolz
2- It's the 1st unit that one week before the exam .. it didn't hit me yet " el esteei3ab b6ee2"
3- It's the 1st unit where a major championship zy el euro is going on through it's ugly preparatory period week
4- It's the last unit of the most lazy year of my life..dirasyn 6b3n
5- It's the unit elly u feel enha easy bs no way u know an info feiha if u don't read


I'm dloo3a this unit...always needing someone around me to give me the push...needy childish ..just dloo3a.

Every day i wake up.. the 1st thing that comes fei my head .. "what's the game tonight" 3shan i study so i can watch it with no guilt infront of my parents.

Well i'm guilty alright .. I know i'm not doing half my best to study
I read till i get bored .. If i don't understand i don't care.

el 7yah easy =p ..

was it sad and bloggy wla fun ?!

hmmmmmzz

I discovered that my blog is .. dark

not only the templet .. which i think i'm gonna change after i finish writing this


the whole posts in it.

a3ooth bllh am i that dark person !!

I won't say i'm the happiest one on earth .. which i was on one point in my life

but i'm not that sad...come on no one is that sad !


I just i think ... that .. since i don't talk about what's wrong with me that much... this blog is my only way to breath out the sad thoughts that crosses my head..

So it's not like i'm that dark...it's just this blog signifies the dark side of me.

I should call it the dark side of me looolz

I'm a happy person tra!

If You're Not The 1 ..

If I'm Not Made For You Then Why Does My Heart Tell Me That I Am ...!

Thoughts...

Hmmmz...
I hate this feeling when i have nothing to talk about ....
Though i'm the most talker i know ... I still can't find a topic to be told...
Thoughts...all what i have

thought #1
I'm becoming 21 in 2 weeks .. and i just can't feel it .. don't want to ..
Weird .. every year i become sooo thrilled for my birthday
this year seems .. like .. cold..there is no air

thoguht #2
Yeah i'm depressed , feeling insignificant ...though i have ppl who r proving me wrong..but once i think that i'm in the safe side... something happens and just takes that moment away..
Why can't things be constants for a change.

thought #3
It's 6 am .. i didn't sleep yet .. i'm doing absouloltly nothing .. just wishing for that moment to come back.. god i'm pethatic

thought #4
It's weird how i'm apathic ..6 weeks now and i know nothing in my books..do u c me caring ? naah

thought #5
Some winds from the past can be so refreashing .. i don't know if the feeling is amazing coz of the dry weather of the present .. or i just need to go back to my beginning sometimes.

thought #6
In order to gain some .. u have to lose some along the way .... Still hurts that i lost them .. and what hurts more... that they think it's my fault ..

thought #7
when will ppl open their eyes to c the true shape of other ppl... Or maybe i'm the one seeing the picture wrong.

thought #8
Did i lose my self doing everything for other ppl and forgetting to do anything for the sake of me ! I wanna find me ..

thought #9
I feel lonely, when i have every single person in the world around me , except for the person that i want it to be around ..

thought #10
I hate the way i became .. the way i was .. the way i'm becoming .. I need u to fix me now.

Crying you Out

I wish I can cry you out of me
I wish that my heart stops loving
I was fine before getting to be
The person who by your smile is living

Not Good .. But surviving =)

Good friends .. all what i needed
and thank god i have them =)

I had some bad week .. i don't wanna talk about details in it

but ,, It's like a chronic illness which invaded me .. and just created a malfunction in every single happy thought i would ever get.

I'm not completly cured ..

as i told every1 who asked .. it's just a viral infection which will go without medication

and Without medications I survived .. with complications .... i hope they go away soon enough

Closing the blog was dramatic i know ...thanks for whoever asked .. But i had to do it .. don't know why .. i just felt like doing it


I Will Survive this ...

Away From The Sun

When u find a song,,that speaks the exact feeling ur feeling ....

I become speachless.. and leave the song speak me out..

BrokeN

Not the sweetest feeling

to love someone so hard

they told me love is healing

when it left me broken and scarred

----------------

Thoughts of us in my head

I'm not supposed to think of u !!!

Crying to sleep on my bed

Waking up hoping for something new

---------------------

Hoping u'll be mine today

Hoping i was ures as long as u loved

Forgetting that yesterday

I was the last person u were thinking of

-----------------------

Loving you killed my soul

deserted has become my definition

you became my single goal

while ur not giving me any recognition

-------------------------

No one's attention is satisfying

What will please me is one look

Since i loved u i started dying

ur ignorance all what it took

-

-

-

This isn't me

This isn't the way I wanna be

Ur not what defines me

I'm bigger than that ..

Bigger than u will ever be

Intracranial Depression =(

The Day U Stop Needing Me , Is the Day When I Stop Living

Right Now .. I'm Dying =(

Tneen Group

Resource time , Doctor is lecturing about hemochromatosis (the only reason i know the name is grey's anatomy) .. ppl r quite , either to understand .. or just asleep.

Laughing ,talkative , hyperactive group of 4 girls ... just messing around at the back.

There where u find .. Tneen Group =p.

Tneen group is the name we call our self , formed by Me "AKA 93'noona" , Daloolz "AKA Broo6a" , Dooj "AKA Dr.devil" , Zanoobz "AKA The borj".

We're like the craziest, most loud group in the uni .. everyone who comes along during our talk either laugh as hard as they can , or just think we're total weirdoz =p.

We're cool baby !

The reason I'm talking about the group here is because of this.

now remember my "ma y7boony complex" , it turned out to be the most amazing complex ever =p ! i got a valentine's gift because of it , just to prove me wrong ,,, prove me more 3aaad =p !

Now , because i feel like i owe them something , and because it will be stupid to give them something now , and because i'm almost out of money =p "how nice of me to say that" , i decided to do something back ,,

To write about them here ... is my gift back "i bet they r like,,roses would be cool too =p"

anything with a (*) is a private tneen joke =p

There is no one crazier than daloolz

Talking to her makes problems shrink

The nicest person , always cool

thank god pepsi is not her fav drink *

3ad zanoobz she got the power

driving all crazy fei kl el streets

Carrying over the eiffel tower

and also a soul perfectly sweet

Dooj the brain of the crazy plans

The devil of the roof top (*)

we say we can't , she says u can

and if i hate my self , she says STOP!

Nothing Makes me better
Nothing Makes me b5eir
Only us together
fooling around fel square

god keeps us together 3maaati =D

Nothing .. Nothing to You

I try , to tell my self ur not special to me

Ur like everyone in my life , just passing by

I wish that my heart just agrees

It dances when seeing u , telling me its a lie

--------

I lied , I thought i'm immune

Falling in love , was not in my plans

Clearly , i found out soon

when love wants to invade me , it surly can

Jealous, Crazy , Obsessed

want u badly to be mine

Messed up , Insane Posessed

crossing every colored line

---------

When u smile , from happiness I sing

I cry my heart out when ur blue

U became my everything

When i'm nothing , Nothing to U

Just notice my feelings , give me recognition

Ur ignorance is lethal , killing me inside

U noticing this, is my total ambition

But I'll be in the spot in ur eyes which is blind

--------------------------------

**Written After the hardest presentation i ever done , with bad mood , and clearly no elhamz..

Letter for reminder

My " ma y7boony complex" has been heard by many ppl this week .. and because i became close with many ppl last week ,, they knew about my complex closly ... and it became bigger somehow.

ok , a quick crash course
ma y7boony complex , is a condition i have bein ftra w ftra,where i think that everything wrong happens in this life is because of me ... and this wrongness lead to me not being loved by el ppl ,,the whole ppl .

this condition is a complication of my very low densitiy self esteem, doing harm to my system . and affecting my personality badly.

many ppl tried to prove me wrong but no one could do nothing about it
till today..
Dooj ,one of our tneen group and the closest friend i had from a tutorial group.. was trying today to prove me wrong but i shut her up like hell
so she did the most nice thing ever has been done to me

she sent me a reminder e mail , that whenever i look down at my self i just read it !

i think i had a tear while reading it " like a drop of water .. bs tb5rt bsr3a lolz "
she gave me like ,, a guid , of how to love ur self loooolz "dr. dooj phil"

i don't know if it will help , bs i really loved her trying !!!

doooj love uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu ( in an "INNOCENT" way =p =p =p =p =p )

Problem 7 Syndrome

yeah i know , there r many things in life more important than studying ....
Stupid valantine , i don't even know how to spell u .. 3mi ,i don't believe in u =p (sooo not "elly ma y6ool el 3nb" situation ha )
oscar's review .. postponded ... too much msha3'l fei my head
GCC conference .. well , once i have the pic i'll write something about the most tiring, long , amazing 4 days in my life.

Now .. back to studying , appearantly the reason why i'm alive..
Every unit , i have this , week of depression ,, like seriously depressed,,lma kl el nas r studying , and in their free time they begin to ask wsh feeeeeeeeeiha ... well .. it's problem 6 syndrome. half of the unit . where the bells begin to ding .. DING DING DING .. and me , hiding my ears , and pretending that it's just a faulse alarm.
Because last week was so full of conference , that i totaly forget about medical school .. the syndrome was postponded to this week .. where i am completely cluless of everything which says GI ... AAAAAAAAy yal GI bs..

Whoever thinks i'm a big nerd, i know u'll change ur idea now , once u know i haven't read a word other than my be loved anatomy .. and guess what, i'm even behind in anatomy !

God i'm soooooo messed up , don't know what to do , i wanna study ,,,,, but i just can't
please god help me w ehdeiny bl 3gl wl 9la7 and wfgna all el dof3a nfr nfr

ppl study ,,,,,,,, and wish for me to study

I hate medcine stupid medicine =p

Lost in LOST

Everybody who knows me well , they know that i don't love anything moderately .. i either hate it to death .. or just totally addicted to it .. working on the extremes .

My latest , or biggest addiction was on the TV hit series LOST. I heard about this series like i know many of u did but didn't really get why all the buzz till my cousin told me how obsessed she is with it and she really needed someone to talk with about it . So i thought since I've already watched a nice episode on MBC action , why not watch the whole thing.

in one week i finished 2 seasons .. and became seriously addicted ! Me and my cousin began t7leelation to every move of the series.

By the end of the summer i finished the whole 3 seasons and couldn't wait for 31th Jan 2008 to watch the 4th.

Ok , if u live in another planet and don't know what i'm talking about .. 1st get out of my blog =p . nah kidding it's ok , bs get educated shwy .

Lost is about number of survivors of a crashed flight " Oceana 815" .. who land on an island .. and begin to form a community filled with clashes between the different characters of the losties.

seems boring ? well wait .. the island isn't like a normal island... it's seriously crazy
it has powers that we discover episode by episode .. and mysteries still yet to be discovered in the next 2 seasons .

Yesterday , i watched season 4 premier .. and it made my day ! shklh an amazing season !!
anyone is lost in LOST? if ur not ,, get LOST ! =p

Today's Diaries

12 am Me drinking Red Bull trying to wake up to finish my presentation

1 am Me feeling some 7sheesh fei my brain,,bs what the hell , it's normal =p

2 am Me done with the presentation , not fully satisfied , but whatever ahm shei i attend and do it

3 am Me telling my room mate to stop playing and finish her presentation coz it's imp to attend

4 am Me sleeping after putting my almost dead mobile fel charger and setting the alarm at 8 am

..

..

..

..

?? am Me waking up fj2h ... asking my self .. is it before 8 , i didn't hear the alarm ringing .. but it feels so late...did i over sleep !!

??+1 min am Me looking at my mobile with a freaky face , omg it's off ! the stupid charger was busted !

??+2 min am Me looking everywhere for a watch and thinking "why didn't i fix my watch , r my room-mates here , am i late , am i early " .. me looking in the street is it dark or not"ofcourse it's day light i slept in the last hour of nightness" .. me rushing to the living room

??+3 min am Me thinking " why don't we have a watch in the living room !!!! ". Me looking at the laptop , yeah my only watch ..me telling my self .

??+5 min am The laptop finaly starts to ysto3b in me just turned it on , and the watch says ...

11 28 am Me Freaking out like totaly , Me thinking i missed 2 tutorials , Me thinking omg , Me thinking why didn't any1 wake me up , me cursing the charger the mobile the red bull and the fact i don't have a watch ... me cursing my self now

11 45 am Me in the uni with a face that looks like "i just woke up" .. Me telling the gang the story with me laughing 3la el stupidity

12 30 pm Me doing ez3aj fel resource talking about how stupid i was ..

3 pm me filming a movie 7g el GCC conference , acting as if i was an Emarati wzeera or something... maybe if Emaraties r short .. it would be credible .Me thinking "r they?"

4 30 pm Me with ebo fel ml3b , waiting to start our game

6 30 pm Us finishing the 1st ever all AGU soccer torunment .. Lost but with pride =p " yeah right lolz"

7 pm Every muscle in my body is screaming , me walking like an old w7da, me thinking , i am an old w7da , me saying shut up .

9 pm Me ebo dooj dloolz rojo , eating 3la our table and 7shing fei 5lg allah

11 pm Laptopping

12 pm Laptopping =p

Juno..

Ok , i'm in a mission .. to watch all the movies that are nominated for an oscar .. so every thursday i'll write a review of the movie i watched.

I'll be like those ppl who writes reviews in their blogs , pretending that they r that old guy who died mo mn zman that appeared in Good Morning America . He was cool he liked spidy =p.

Anyhow , I started with a movie that really caught my eyes .. Juno.

Juno (2o year old Ellen Page) is a 16 year old who gets pregnant by her best friend Paulie, Micheal Cera . She's 16 , for sure she won't keep the baby , so she decides to give it for adoption finding the Lorans (Jennifer Garner , Jasson Bateman) and deciding they r the best couple to have her "mistake" .

Through out the movie , we can c the suffering of the teen with the new life she has to face . How her father and step mom gotta deal with it , and the new decision the Lorans has to make.

El movie is so cute , funny , and has a point . But as i read in a review gbl ma i watch the movie , it really makes teen's pregnancy like a relatively easy thing to deal with .As Juno herself said to her father " And and what ah 30 or odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened. "

Juno , or Ellen Page was so good in the movie and i know now why she's nominated for best actress. She really looked , very , ... pregnant lolz.

The movie is also nominated for best directing by Jason Reitman and best writing by Diabola Cody, well deserved too.

The one thing that the academy missed is nominating the original song for best song .. come on 3 nomination for enchanted give juno a break.

this song is officially my new song =p

Stupid

Just when I thought that i'm found by you
Just when my feeling of being lost wasn't there
All my thoughts were not meant to be true
Stupid i was to think that you care

I'm lost than ever , confused by the directions
don't know where to go , left or right
Lightened by your cruelty , blinded by your affection
I guess it will be safer if you're gone from my sight

Bad New Year

First day of new year , was the worst day ever .
Not only for me , actually if u compared it to the other ppl i know , it would be the altimate hell.
It was God will , when many ppl i know died .. with a shock left to the families and loved ones.


Make us think twice , before we think that this life is still young for us , that it will last for ever

يالله حسن الختام
الفاتحة على روح المرحوم راضي الابراهيم ..وعلى أرواح المؤمنين والمؤمنات
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
(الحمد لله رب العالمين..الرحمن الرحيم..مالك يوم الدين ..إياك نعبد وإياك نستعين ..اهدنا السراط المستقيم..سراط الذين انعمت عليهم ..غير المغضوب عليهم ولا الضالين)